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A Few Words
      

Category:
Satire

Marriage Ban
To Strengthen Family Values

A new study, published by The Center for Healthy Engagement And Togetherness, shows that marriage is the leading cause of divorce. Arguing that marriage is the source of the breakdown of the modern family, CHEAT is taking their case to Washington.

Sue Ford, founder of CHEAT, began her grassroots movement last Spring. Inspired by the possibility of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, Ford wishes to see what the left derides as "traditional" families preserved. Ford argues that "since all divorces start with a marriage, why not nip the thorny rose in the bud?"

In the 2004 presidential election, Republican lawmakers proposed the drafting of a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. They argued that the erosion of the American family will continue if unchecked specifically, if the possibility of marriage were to expand to include non-traditional couples.

Don Tinkard, a traditional family advocate consultant, stated the case clearly. "There is nothing that breaks up families more than witnessing the decay of all American culture."

Ford and CHEAT are in agreement to Tinkard to a point. However, they wish to take the case to what they call its logical conclusion. "If you want to cease the spate of broken families, " she said from her Los Angeles office, "the most effective option would be to cease the spate of families." Citing various federally funded studies, and a privately funded web-poll, Ford casts off doubters.

Furthermore, a faction of CHEATers promote conscripted sterilization, in an effort to protect children from the broken and dysfunction face of the modern family.

Tomorrow CHEAT will be demonstrating family values in a march on the D.C. Mall, where they intend to break open pinatas of same-sex couples and barbecue hot dogs over shredded marriage documents.

© 2005 Sorrell
September