How To Secure Windows Against Viruses And Hackers

Let's face it, locking down, hardening, securing Windows against viruses and hackers is no easy task. It can be costly in financial and temporal terms, and the frustration is sure to shave years off your life. It seems to me that users need some sure-fire ways to make their computing experience safer. I have put together this list of steps to make the Windows user's life easier and to alleviate some of the fears of having a computer connected to the Internet.

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How To Secure Windows With Wire Cutters

Difficulty Rating: 5
Requires agility and coordination combined with ability to identify "cable".

• Sneak behind your IKEA desk and find the network cable. Use a flashlight as necessary, and leave a trail of string or food so to ensure a safe return.
• Determine which wire is the network cable. If you have cable modem or DSL, there will be a cable going into a network card. If you have a modem, there will be a phone line going into the modem.
• Use the wire cutters to snip the cable.
• Your computer is now soundly protected.

How To Secure Windows With A Twinkie

Difficulty Rating: 7
Requires agility and coordination combined with strength of character required to not eat the Twinkie. Good Luck!

• Find the network cable, as above.
• Unplug the network cable from the computer.
• Plug the network cable into the Twinkie.
• Victory is yours.

How To Secure Windows With A Firewall

Difficulty Rating: 8
It's all about timing. You don't want to get caught with homemade napalm, but you need to secure the machine too. Extraordinary capacities of judgement are required.

• Remove network card from computer.
• Soak styrofoam packing peanuts in kerosene overnight.
• Make a pile of the doused material in the street.
• Place network card in the center of the pile.
• Ignite.
• Send MacAfee $40.

How To Secure Windows With Your Weber Barbecue

Difficulty Rating: 6
A barbecue is legal arson, in some sense, so you're going to have to make sure you keep this under control!

• (Use mesquite charcoal for best flavor.) Fire up the Weber. Give it a good half hour.
• Remove network card from computer.
• Grill network card in center of barbecue for at least another half hour.
• Reconnect network card.
• Viruses are not carnivorous: they will avoid the meaty mesquite taste of your network's packets.

How To Secure Windows With A Hammer

Difficulty Rating: 2
Requires at least one limb.

• Remove network card.
• Smash network card with hammer.
• Repeat, just to be sure, and shout idle threats into the cable. They can hear you at the other end you know.

How To Secure Windows With Beer

Difficulty Rating: 1
This will be easy after the first few beers.

• Purchase beer.
• Find and identify network card.
• Pour one half can of beer into the computer, directly over the network card.
• Consume remaining beer.
• Deny everything.

How To Secure Windows With Your Dog

Difficulty Rating: 9
Requires a well-trained and hungry dog. You can borrow mine if you like.

• Slather network cable with bacon grease.
• Entice dog to the slathered network cable.
• Make the dog chew through the network cable. This can be accomplished by frightening the dog, or commanding the dog to "Sic!", or by saying: "Chew through the cable, please."
• Put dog outside until the gas has passed.

How To Secure Windows With A Router

Difficulty Rating: 10
Requires safety gear and familiarity with power tools. Be careful with this one!

• If you don't already have one, purchase at least a 1.5 HP plunge router. Sears makes good ones.
• If you don't already have one, purchase a dovetail bit.
• Find network card.
• Rout a dovetail through the center of the back of the computer, making sure that you pass through the network card, and ideally the cable as well.
• No more worries, and you can add a drawer later.

How To Secure Windows With A Lawnmower

Difficulty Rating: 4
Requires the ability to start the lawnmower and not mow one's own feet.

• Let the grass grow for at least a week.
• Remove the network card and throw it in the deep grass.
• Set lawnmower on lowest setting.
• Mulch the entire lawn, ensuring that the network card is run over at least once.
• Reinstall the network card.
• Gas up mower and destroy zombie machines in their relentless pursuit of your living flesh.

How To Secure Windows Biblically

Difficulty Rating: 10
Requires invoking the wrath of God. This might not be simple.

• Study various world religions.
• Realize that there is only one truly correct religion (patented by Microsoft, so you now owe them even more money.)
• Start hating everyone who does not agree with you.
• Remove network card.
• Give it and a copy of any Windows "operating system" (preferably the Jihad edition) to someone you learned to hate.
• You are now safe, as if newborn in a manger of goodness and light.
• If you're born-again, then later abandon those beliefs, do you die again? Weird.

How To Secure Windows With Linux

Difficulty Rating: 0
This is a no-brainer.

• Leave network card connected to the machine.
• Download a snappily-named edition of Linux (or any free *NIX will do). Do this quickly before the next virus has a chance to hit.
• Disconnect network cable.
• Burn ISOs to CD. (Good Luck.)
• Power down. This will be the last time you power down for a while. Savor it.
• Reconnect network cable.
• Insert newly burned CD.
• Power up.
• When asked how to partition the drives, make sure you blow out anything where there was ever a line of Microsoft "code".
• Select the software that you want. While it installs, laugh quietly to yourself, remembering the days when you had to purchase software. Hah ha ha. Ahhhh, how silly we were then....
• Learn to laugh at people who need to reboot. Ask them why they have to reboot. Laugh at their ignorance when they can't explain that it is largely the result of a fundamental design flaw in Microsoft "operating systems", specifically that user applications can share memory space with kernel modules. Hah ha ha. What a silly idea.
• Stop worrying. The nightmare is over.

© 2004 Sorrell
July